lloyds-diary

How to Become an Agent

2010-09-13T12:00:00Z

Dearest friends, I fear I have done something my father always warned me not to do while gathering grapes on our vineyard: I put the cart before the horse. For the last several weeks, I have dispersed advice to help you all excel as agents, but I left out the most important part: How to become an agent in the first place!

If you want to be a lawyer, you go to college, then law school. Then, you pass the bar, get hired by a firm and -- voila! You're a lawyer!

If you want to be an architect, you go to design school, get your degree in architecture, wear form-fitting clothes, have great hair and strong hands and -- poof! You're an architect!

But being an agent is not so cut and dry. There is no time-worn path for weary travelers to follow. Every path is different and every path is treacherous. But there are a few points on your journey you're going to want to hit, if only to know that you're making progress… which most of you won't be.

1. Go to college.

Nearly every agency requires a college degree. But college is the easy part, filled with binge-drinking and secretive nighttime experiments.

2. Get a job in the mailroom of an agency.

I assume many of you have heard that agents start in the mailroom. Well, this is true. Such suit-wearing Hollywood luminaries as David Geffen, Barry Diller, Michael Ovitz, Ari Emanuel and Bernie Brillstein started in the mailroom, sorting letters and packages, pushing a cart and going on runs for the higher-ups. Another future luminary who started in the mailroom is yours truly, and let me tell you, it is the most degrading, and sometimes depraved, experience I have ever been through. That is until Step 3...

3. Work for an agent.

One of the hallmark ways the career ladder in Hollywood differs from Wall Street, or Main Street, is that everyone works as an assistant. That's right, as a secretary. For years. And for monsters. In this space, I have dedicated many hundreds of words to the monster for whom I once worked, and I would say my situation was decidedly middle of the road. You must work for a dragon, and you must slay that dragon with your work ethic, your kindness, your grace under fire, your bedside manner and your can-do attitude. Then, after three or four years, you may have a shot at being promoted...

Or, you may be squeezed out by a threatened/jealous partner who sees you as potential competition, someone who wouldn't give you credit for tying your own tie, who seizes upon any opportunity, real or imagined, to paint you in a negative light to your superiors in the company and in the industry at large only to protect his or her own tenuous place in the vicious food chain we call Hollywood. (Deep breath...)

Oh, how I can't wait to be just like that.

Until next time, so long!

All Systems "Go"

2010-08-30T16:31:15Z

To Poach or Not to Poach

2010-08-23T12:00:10Z

That, my friends, is the question and we're not talking about eggs! What is it to poach, you ask? Well, first and foremost, its the subject of Lloyd's next lesson is being a SuperDuperStar Agent! To poach, in agent-ese, means to steal a client from another agent. Unlike, say, cattle poaching, it is not illegal. The remains a question, however, about its ethicality.

Well, let Lloyd give you the straight scoop. Poaching IS immoral. Poaching IS unethical. And if you don't try to poach clients from other agents, you WILL fail!

POACH! POACH! POACH! And if someone tries to poach from you, scream bloody murder!

Oh, I see a hand. Yes? The question, class, was "how do you poach?" This is a very good question.

The basic dynamic of a poach is the same as that of a love triangle, with you playing the role of the Latin Lothario out to steal the lonely housewife from the neglectful husband.

So, first, you need to make contact with your target. Avoid email! Avoid the phone, even! This must be done in person, preferably in public. You have nothing to hide. Who knows why you're talking to the fourth lead on Big Bang Theory? Maybe you have a client who wrote a script for him? Maybe you want to know what it's like to work for Chuck Lorre (or maybe you don't...)? Either way, its a free country, guys. So, talk and talk freely.

After you have made contact, establish a phone relationship with the target. Begin innocuously. "It was great to see you at that party/premiere/random gay club. I think you're a hell of a talent and I wanted to let you know you have a lot of fans in town and at our agency."

Okay. Now they know. If he's not interested, no harm no foul. All you did was tell him the truth. You barely even hit on him. But, if he's unhappy with his representation (and, I'll tell you, most actors are), you may get a call in return. Or you may get a call from his manager or lawyer. Or you may get a note slipped under your apartment door under the cover of night (true story!). But you will be notified.

At that point two things will happen. The first is, it's time to meet in person, perhaps with another agent. This is where the real agents shine. You meet in person, perhaps in an out-of-the-way place in - shiver! - the valley (!). Perhaps it is even on a weekend. You lay it out for them. This is where we see you in a year. This is how much money you stand to make. We can get you in a room with this producer, this director, this musician, this porn star! Lay it on thick. Butter this egg up and swallow it whole, people.

The second thing that will happen is you will receive a call. This call will be from the agent being poached from. He will freak out all over you. He will slander you, libel you, tell whoever he can what a slimeball you are. If he has any skills whatsoever, he will threaten your bank account, or your life. And there's only one way to handle this:

What's not just a river in Egypt? DENIAL! Deny everything. Act insulted. Avoid answering direct questions and be polite in return. The less you say, the angrier he will get and an angry agent is almost always an inefficient agent. And an inefficient agent is exactly the type of sucker who deserves to have his golden goose stolen from under his snot-nose!

Except one thing. If you happen to get that call, and on the other end of the line is Ari Gold...ABORT MISSION. Take it from someone who has seen it first hand, you try to poach a TMA client, Ari will destroy you. Oh, and if he doesn't, I will ;)

Tata for now, homies!

Lloyd

Lloyd's Guide to Schmoozing

2010-08-09T12:45:00Z

Schmoozing. It's as closely associated with Hollywood as motion pictures and stints at Promises. But what is it to schmooze? Who schmoozes? When and how does one schmooze? Well, leave it to your trusty guide Lloyd to send you to the school of schmooze. All graduates receive a BS in BS!

In our two previous installments, we've discussed phone etiquette and lunching. Schmoozing is very similar in that you have an objective: improving your position or standing, and a mark: the producer, manager, executive or otherwise you are wooing. When you schmooze, however, one important element is added: booze.

Now, is it a coincidence that schmooze rhymes with booze? Perhaps. But more likely not -- for without booze, or at least the presence of booze in the immediate area, you're not schmoozing.

Why is booze so important to schmoozing? For the same reason Tom went home with me the first night I met him at Rage. Booze lowers your standards! (JK about Tom! We met at the olive bar at Bristol Farms, obvi!).

When booze is introduced you will notice two things:

1. People you already know will tell you things they are not supposed to be telling you.

2. People you DON'T know, important people, will actually acknowledge your presence!

This makes premiere parties, industry mixers, charity club nights and plain, old afterwork drinks SO essential. This is where you make hay.

So you have one and only or responsibility to yourself and your employer when schmoozing. Repeat after me: Don't Get Hammered!

Alright boys and girls. See you all in the next installment of Lloyd's blog!

The Perfect Puppy - Meet Rose!

2010-08-02T18:41:00Z

Do my eyes look bloodshot?

2010-08-02T12:45:00Z

Say Uncle!

2010-07-26T12:00:36Z

Hi friends!

I hope everyone out there in internetville has had a lively week. How was mine, you ask? It was fantastic. It's beginning to look like a client of mine - my first client actually - may wind up with his own TV show. And he would star along side one of TV's all-time great hunks. I can't say who, but if you asked me to give you a clue, I'd have to say, "uncle!"

I bet you're wondering what, if anything, I did to secure this. Well, the answer is talk on the phone, a lot. So much that my jaw his hurting! But all this phone chattering made me think that the next thing one most know in order to be a Hollywood agent is Phone Etiquette 101.

There are three - and only three - tacts a young agent can take while "agenting" via phone.

1. The New Car Salesman.

Used car salesman reek of desperation and Drakkar Noir, but new car salesman are confident, concise and often quite fetching. When you're selling your clients, you are selling a Lexus. If the person you're talking to is wavering, forget 'em. The next person through the door is abso-freaking-lutely going to want your top-of-the-line luxury automobile.

2. The Homegirl

Use this approach when talking to female executives who seem like they could use a friend. Personal relationships are currency is Hollywood. Ask about their love lives, their pets, or the new book they're reading because it was got a good review on Slate.com (or because it's an Oprah book club pick - know your audience). This works doubly well if you're gay.

3. The Blame Game

If you get a call from an angry producer, manager or client, you MUST escape without any harm to your agency or clients. And you'd do quite well to avoid any damage to your reputation. This calls for the Blame Game. It's not pretty, but now being on the other side, I understand the importance of this rule: when in doubt, your assistant screwed up. The thing about the Blame Game is that it's universal, so no one really believes that your assistant is at fault, but like a get out of jail free card, the person on the other line will let you off the hook. This is because he or she will almost definitely play the Blame Game for you at some point in the near future.

Of course, there are variations on these rules. There's the Mother Hen, the Big Fan, the Let's Get Dinner and, of course, the Hail Mary. But if you stick to the first three you should have no problem accomplishing any goal you need to as a junior agent.

Okay, guys. That's all I have for you today!

Talk soon!

I Am Now An Agent

2010-07-20T00:00:00Z

Lloyd's Diary - July 18, 2010

Lloyd's Guide to Being a Hollywood Agent

2010-07-12T03:00:06Z

Hi All! Welcome back to Lloyd's blog and the first installment of our new series Lloyd's Guide to Being a Hollywood Agent!

Now, I'm no expert, having only been on the job for less than a year, but I have studied under a master. If you stick with me and follows these rules, your dream of being a Hollywood Super Agent can come true. Unless, of course, that's not your dream. In that case, I hope you succeed in whatever it is your heart desires.

I learned many moons ago that one of the most important parts of being an agent here in Hollywood is "lunching." Lunch is to being an agent as the Coliseum was to being a gladiator. Lunch is where careers are started, ended, made and broken. Stars are born and fade away. And agents are the ones pulling all the strings. Lunch is your battlefield and every decision you make when going into battle could be the difference between a free lunch and a hefty check.

First, where do you want to lunch? If you're a young agent, like myself, you do not want to go to the Grill. Nor do you want to be caught dead at the Ivy nor BLVD. If you enter one of these holy waters of negotiation before you are mentally, and physically, prepared, the sharks will eat you alive. You might want to try a place like Nate 'n Al's (timeless, full of character, brutally good corned beef) or, if you're feeling feisty - or, in my case, stereotypical - Xi'an. But if the food is delicious, the price is right and the zip code is 90210, you'll impress your guest enough to continue.

Now your guest is approaching, what do you do? One thing that I've seen done is the bro-hug. Oh, how I wish the bro-hug would go the way of the three-part handshake. You do not want to bro-hug another man while wearing a three-piece suit (and you will be wearing a three-piece suit). You must - MUST - stand up, look your guest in the eye and shake his hand like you're Don Draper. It doesn't matter if he was your college roommate or your dentist's brother or the son of your boss, shake his hand! No fist pumps. No slapping fives. And, for God's sake, no bro-hugs!

This rule goes doubly for women! Unless the woman is a relative, do not hug or kiss her. Though, you would never waste a weekday lunch on a family member. Lunches are valuable, people! Women are exactly like men, but pretty. From 9-7 treat them as you would a man, and you'll get what you want. And then, after work, feel free to wine them and dine them. Or ignore them completely :)

When it's time to order, remember one thing: You CAN order just a salad. This is L.A., not Philadelphia. No one is judging you based on your ability to consume your weight in beef. In fact, you are far likelier to be judged negatively if you order short ribs. That being said, if you ever go to Mastro's, get a steak.

Finally, you have to deal with the check. And, barring special circumstances, YOU have to deal with the check. Of course, your agency will provide you with an expense account, so you have no reason to squabble or split. Look magnanimous. Take the check from the server's hand, peruse it for any egregious errors (but ignore minor ones; again, its not your money), and provide him or her with your American Express Business Card.

And when you bid your guest adieu, refrain from making any promises you may not want to keep, like "let's do this again soon," or "I'll send you that script this afternoon." However, if your guest makes any promises, you best be on the phone to his or her assistant the next morning following up. Remember, you're a Lunch Gladiator!

If you follow these simple rules, you'll be on your way to being a successful Hollywood agent. From the hours of 1pm-2pm. Check back for tips on the other 23 hours in the coming weeks!

Until then, adios!

Lloyd

A Real Office

2010-06-29T11:00:27Z

Lloyd's Diary - June 27, 2010

Did you miss me? I missed you all and can't wait to share some new exciting new changes with you. Here's a little something to get you up to date....