Oy Vey! That means something like Oy Yoy Yoy in Yiddish. Apparently, everyone in Hollywood needs to know a certain amount of Yiddish before they are permitted to climb the next rung on the corporate ladder. I know I'm not exactly Ryan Reynolds when it comes to my physique (did you see him in 'The Proposal?' The things I would do with that Schmedrick), but climbing this next rung is wearing poor Lloyd down.
But mental ladder-climbing is not why I exclaimed in Yiddish. Rather, I am troubled by the recent death wave that has hit Hollywood. The dearly departed can now count among their numbers Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, John Hughes, Frank McCourt, and, of course, the great Karl Malden! (Am I missing anyone?) Is it a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah? Perhaps.
You may not think of me as such a morbid soul, but working one day, let alone four years, under Ari Gold can turn even the most docile of minds towards thoughts of doom. Oh, I can assure you, the Hollywood Death Brigade will not soon count Lloyd Lee among them. Nor will it claim Sir Ari Gold, as he is undead.
It's true. No mere mortal could possibly be as terrible as Ari Gold is. So what is Ari?
Is he a Vampire?
Pro: He is awake at odd hours. He is bloodthirsty. He attacks his prey and bleeds them bone dry. He is oddly seductive. His favorite color is black. I'm sure he has worn makeup in the past. He trembles at the sight of a crucifix.
Con: He loves steak and salty food. He spends way too much time in the sun (although he does blink a lot...)
Is he a Zombie?
Pro: I have recently seen him with severe bags under his eyes. He says its because the missus has been making him sleep on the couch...but is it actually the first sign of zombie decay? He has come back from being professionally dead, so that has to count for something.
Con: He talks and walks very fast, belying the classic, slow-stalk of the zombie. Zombies eat brains and I know for a fact that he shudders at the thought of sweetbreads.
Is he an Alien?
Pro: I have worked for him for four years and I have never met his family, perhaps a sign that they left him on this planet? He is always drinking water, which was a character trait of the aliens in 'The Faculty' (though water killed the aliens in 'Signs'...maybe this point is neutral). He has extra sensory perception about where I am and what I am doing.
Con: I have always believed that aliens, when and if they touch down on Earth, will be more of the 'E.T.'/'Close Encounters' variety than of the 'Independence Day'/'Invasion of the Body Snatchers' mold.
Pro: He has largely human features. He seems to breathe our air. 99% of the meals I've seen him eat consist of foods humans generally eat. He procreated with another human, though I have always found it hard to believe that his two lovely children were biologically his. I have seen, on occasion, Ari show an ability to love.
Con: Despite all the evidence above, no human being I have ever known is as monstrous, venomous, destructive, vindictive, abusive, belittling, dishonest or discourteous as Mr. Ari Gold. If he is, in fact, human, he is a singular member of the species.
What do you think? Could he be something that I missed? Perhaps a time-traveler from a dark, distant future? A shape-shifting Lycan? An undercover agent for a foreign regime intent on breaking the spirit of Hollywood?
Oh, I don't know. But what I do know is, he's one bad entity.