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Monday
Jul202009

144 grapes

Hi.

That's all I can muster. Six days, 144 grapes. That's all I've had.

Well, it's not all I've had. I've had water, of course. And Diet Coke — no calories there! And celery. You actually burn more calories digesting celery than you consume ingesting it, so that has to be legal. And an In-N-Out Burger. And fries. And an Arnold Palmer. And a free refill.

Have you ever dieted? It is SO HAAARRD. I've done all the right things. I eat on small, dark plates (you feel fuller faster). I make lists detailing why I don't actually want a Choco Taco. I even have put a picture of me in nothing but my skivvies as my Blackberry screen saver as motivation. Still, it's killing me!

And Tom! My mood swings from miserable monster to deathly sloth to hungry hippo! And my sex drive? Nada. Zilch. Perhaps it's because I haven't eaten, and perhaps it is because Ari has made me reconsider what Tom really thinks of my, well, of my body, but I just can't do it.

UGH! I'm not all that out of shape, right? So, I may have put on a few around the midsection, but I prefer to think of it more as an irresistible Buddha Belly than a ghastly Spare Tire. But, dear readers, what if I am more Aretha than Beyoncé?

There's gotta be a better way, right? I could try Atkins, but then I'd be eating nothing other than meat. And as much as I like meat, I've read that it causes one to emit odorous fumes. I know, just gross.

I could go to Weight Watchers. But it seems like such a production. I have to meet with a counselor. And talk about how I got fat and what I'm going to do to get thin. I think you have to wear a name tag talking about how you got fat. Well, at least that's what they did in 'Sex In The City.' Remember, Miranda's was "Baby Weight." Yeah...right...girl. Try "Haagen Dazs." But I digress...

I could vomit. No one really likes to vomit, but many successful, famous people apparently do. Now, supposedly science says it doesn't help you lose weight, but common sense says it does. Still, it feels so Lifetime Movie, right? Like this one movie I saw, with Meredith Baxter-Birney, where she'd attack a dessert tray and then throw up. Oh, it was horrible, she'd like have pudding and frosting all over her face then cry then puke. I almost want to vomit thinking about that movie. All 80's movies sort of make me queasy. So, vomiting is out. Too 80's.

Then, of course, there's liposuction. Everything about liposuction sounds so awesome. You lose all this weight — all this fat — without doing a thing. Considering I despise all forms of physical activity, this is the weight loss solution for me. Except of course for one thing. No one has figured out a reasonable way to solve the loose-skin-problem...And until they find a way to give you liposuction without giving you a skin skirt, I'm not interested.

So, I suppose its grapes for Lloyd. "Grapes for Lloyd." Looks like someone has a new working title for his memoirs!

Ciao!

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