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Sunday
Aug312008

The "Pajamas Incident"

So, some of you fine readers who reside in the thirty mile zone may have already heard about a certain, shall we say, incident that occurred at the Miller/Gold offices. Without divulging any names (you'll have to go to Defamer or Nikki Finke for those juicy details), a very important agent was indeed found sleeping in Mr. Gold's office, in all his pajama-and-bathrobe-clad glory. And this isn't even close to the craziest thing I have seen at Miller Gold in my four, long, miserable years.

In fact, the "Pajamas Incident" wouldn't even crack the Top 5! What are the top 5, you ask? Without further ado, I present:

The Top 5 Craziest Moments of the Lloyd Lee Era

5. The Marcel Proust Affair

Mr. Gold has a client who will remain nameless who comes to the office every day between the hours of 11 and 2. He stakes out Ari's office if Ari isn't in, which he rarely is, having gotten wise to this client's plan. I am usually the one who receives the lion's share of this man's complaining and cajoling and conspiring all in efforts to land a staring role worthy of a man of his talents (and, yes, he is a man of many unquestionable talents). Well, one fine day, when Mr. Gold was in about as foul a mood as I have ever seen him, Mr. Intrusive Client decided he would not leave until he was cast as the lead in a Marcel Proust biopic. This display culminated in an impromptu reading from Proust's "In Search of Lost Time" for the entire fifth floor.

And this was only the fifth strangest.

4. The Woman, Scorned.

The most recent addition to the list, this is also the most controversial. In our business, friends, people are not always of the highest moral fiber. One such man works at Miller-Gold and was carrying on an affair with a younger agent. When this man's wife found out, she exploded off the elevator in a high-decibel search for, and please excuse the language, "the whore who's f**king [her] husband." She even stomped into an in-progress meeting in the conference room and interrogated female agent after female agent until, finally, Mr. Gold rescued everyone - especially the scorned wife.

Now, I, again, can't divulge names, but I did play more than a passing role in this calamity. The young agent who had the affair with the elder agent is a nice girl. A sweet girl. A beautiful girl. And, I am sure, a blameless girl. So, I called her. That's right, I called her and warned her and told her to leave the building. I know, it's a bit meddlesome, but the new generation has to stick together!

3. The Twin Killing

Another day at Miller-Gold, another game of high-stakes infidelity. This crazy incident happened out of nowhere as two of our top agents, who happen to be identical twins, managed to bring their home lives into the office, costing both of them their jobs.

One twin was sleeping with the other's wife. Normally, I have much sympathy for the cuckold, but the whole notion of this "twinfidelity" weirded me out to the nth degree! I have seen Sir Gold fire plenty of people. Some are merciful, some are reckless and some are just plain cruel. But, if I don't say so myself, these twin idiots had it coming.

2. The Curious Case of the Male Strippers

When I wake up in the morning, I brush my teeth, floss, take a shower and primp myself for the day ahead, all while cursing my wretched existence as an indentured servant bound to a pitiless barbarian. However, one lovely morning, I arrived at the office and shortly thereafter had the unmatched pleasure of watching two policemen-cum-male-strippers bumping and grinding all over Ari's sorry face.

This stunt occurred in the middle of a spontaneous prank war between Ari and a young rival agent, and was immediately followed by me sending a bag of feces to said agent. Procuring feces for this task is still the most humiliating thing I've ever been made to do. Ari and his rival may have been having a prank war, but the joke was squarely on me.

Now, I am no fan of this hotshot agent, but he will always hold a small place in my heart for brightening one dark day, for when I was sticking my delicate hand in a, well, a toilet, I had the gyrations of Officers Nickerson and Morgan dancing in my brain.

1. Vincent Chase Fires Ari Gold

This story was well-chronicled in mainstream media at the time, but let me give you the inside scoop - this was absolutely devastating for Mr. Gold. Ari has a lot of clients, and a lot of big-time earners, but Vince was, and is, singular. Ari discovered Vince. He plucked him out of a Mentos ad! Their careers rose in synchronicity and harmony. They were almost like brothers. Vince firing Ari would be like Bert firing Ernie! Peanut Butter firing Jelly! Dolce firing Gabbana!!!

But it happened. And thank whatever deity is moving us around like pieces on a chessboard that it didn't last long, for He only knows the kind of torture Mr. Gold would be subjecting me to without his favorite client around.

Until next week, ta ta!

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Reader Comments (1)

For the male strippers post, the strippers came after the bag of s***.

July 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRay
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