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Monday
Nov032008

Vote YES on Prop 8...or else I have to get married! 

Close your eyes, kind readers, and allow me to take you back to the springtime of 2004. Picture a pleasantly plump, yet undeniably adorable, homosexual male of Asian heritage as he enters Footaction - his first foray ever into an athletics store of any kind. You see, a mere week before, this same homosexual male was informed by this doctor that his cholesterol is high and he needs to exercise or it could be an early departure from this sweet, cruel world. This same homosexual male had not been in any type of committed relationship in nearly a decade and was reduced to cruising for strange men at odd bars in inconvenient locations. Our hero was not at his finest.

So, into the Footaction he goes, on a quest for a pair of Nikes that wouldn't compromise his fashionistic integrity. Confused, bewildered, alone he scours the shelves, looking up, looking down, looking in the children's and women's sections. Nothing worked for this young prince. That is, until something felt just right. "May I help you, sir?" the young employee said.

"Uh, yes. I'm looking for an athletic shoe good for powerwalking," I replied, butterflies in my chest!

"Sure. Come right this way."

I followed him, but I was really following my destiny. As he wriggled my bony ankle into a fashion-forward pair of New Balances, I could see my entire future. But I didn't have the guts to act...

You see, my Tom, he's not like other gays. He plays sports. He watches Bruce Lee movies. He's really good with money. I loved him instantly, but would he love me back? I couldn't act.

As I walked out, deflated despite carrying the perfect powerwalking shoes, Tom ran up to me, "Hey, Lloyd!" That sneaky devil, getting my name off my credit card...

I turned around, "Yes."

"Would you like to hang out sometime, maybe?"

Yes! Yes I would! And yes we did! Five times that week. Six times the next. And nearly every day since.

On our one year anniversary, I took Tom up to the Getty, and as we overlooked the city, Tom said, "So...Lloyd. Are you ever going to man up and ask me to marry you?"

What?! Marriage? This was a shock to my system. It's not that I didn't love Tom, or that I didn't want to spend my life with him, it's that, if I've learned anything from the Alphaboss over the years, it's NEVER GET MARRIED. What if things go south? He'll want half my money! He'll want my possessions! He'll want half of any animal or foreign-born child we adopt! No. I can't get married. It's just not something I ever want to do.

Luckily for me, gays can't get married! So it was very easy for me to say, "Now, Tom, I am a law-abiding citizen and I absolutely will marry you - as soon as it is legal in our home state of California." I NEVER thought that it ever actually would be made legal.

But, alas, it is legal. And, alas, I have made a promise. But you, yes YOU READERS, can get me out of it!

Vote YES on Prop 8.

Believe me, I know that I am aligning myself with the creepiest of creeps:

There are the out-of-state Mormons who have flooded the airways with ridiculously misleading ads. There are the radical right fearmongers, who try to scare parents into thinking gay marriage will be taught in schools (despite there being NO requirement for California public schools to teach children about marriage). There's Focus on the Family, a woefully hypocritical institution who think that Barack Obama's perfect nuclear family is somehow flawed, while Sarah Palin's family - with the forced wedlock of Bristol and that hunk Levi - is a good example of the American Ideal. Then there's John McCain. Uck. It pains me more than anything to be in league with him. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't on his side on this one.

But I am...See, you don't understand, marriage is SCARY. And I thought I would be able to avoid it forever, seeing how I'm gay and all.

So, if you care about equal rights for gay people, protection of the constitution, basic fairness and justice, vote no on Prop 8.

But! If you care about ME and my sanity, vote YES on Prop 8.

Oy. I can already hear "Here Comes the Bride" playing in my head.

Love you guys!

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