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Monday
Oct062008

The Secret Guide to Surviving an Alphaboss

I work for the most powerful and important man in Hollywood, or so I am reminded on an hourly basis. Yes, dear reader, I understand that Stephen Spielberg, Will Smith, Scott Rudin and Jerry Bruckheimer may seem more powerful than the Alphaboss, but, to me, that is simply not true. When Alphaboss is upset, I'm upset. When Alphaboss is angry, I am angry. When Alphaboss is sexually frustrated, I am sexually frustrated. My mood fluctuates, oscillates, ebbs and flows with that of my boss. But do not misunderstand me, working for a man like my boss is a game of survival. So if you, fair reader, are to ever find yourself working for a man of this stature and this temperament, please heed my advice and remember the following things: 1. You have no life.

You may go home every night, sleep in your bed with boyfriend or girlfriend, talk to your parents on the phone and pay your taxes, but pay this no mind. You do not exist. So any mean, spiteful, hateful or vindictive comments seemingly flung in your direction won't hurt you because you do not exist in the real world...you exist only to please your boss. 2. Your boss is always right (and you are always wrong).

Do not argue with your boss, ever. It is a losing game. If your boss says Moulin Rouge sucks, it sucks (as much as this destroys you on the inside). So if your boss is thirty minutes late to a meeting because he misread and misheard your explicit instructions to go to the Downtown Standard instead of the Standard on Sunset Boulevard, that is your fault. 3. Your self-worth is inversely proportional with your job performance.

If you find yourself rescheduling a urologist appointment, because your boss's wife rearranged his marriage counselor's appointment and his reservation with his holistic healer, while picking up a clown for his son's birthday party, a keg for his daughter's secret beach bonfire and his doggie's doo-doo from his front lawn, you are doing a good job. The more humiliated you are, the better assistant you are. 4. The phrase "Thank You" no longer exists.

The term "F**k you," however, is alive and well. As are "Die you Asian plowfarmer," "Shut up or I'll ship you back to Vietnam," and "I'll bury you so far up Tom's ass, you'll be kissing the inside of his lips!" 5. Remember that conversation you had about getting promoted? Never happened.

The better you are at your job, the less likely it is you will be promoted. It is, however, better to be good at your job than the alternative: getting your Asian ass fired. I've been told on numerous occasions that promotion is eminent, but it's just a carrot in a life full of sticks. 6. You are now a rabbi, a priest, a shrink, a personal trainer, a gardener, a best friend, a whore and a pimp.

Listen always, speak little. Remember, no tough boss can appear to like his or her assistant. However, this does not mean that your boss actually likes you. If you are lucky, he will not even think of you as a person, just a self-help-guru-of-all-trades who also does his taxes and books hotel rooms for his mistress. If you remember these rules, you'll be fine. Who knows? One day you (or I) might even get that promotion.

And with that, I wish all of my dear readers the brightest of days! Ta ta!

-Lloyd



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