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Monday
Oct272008

EXCLUSIVE: Lloyd's NFL Picks! 

Hey y'all! I'm back with a new letter! So, something crazy has been happening around the office. Like many offices across these great United States, the agency I work at has a Football Pool. For those of you who don't know what that is (like silly old me a mere two months ago!) it means that every participant picks the winners of five NFL Football games each week. That's not the crazy thing.

The crazy thing is, after seven weeks, guess who is in first place? If you guessed yours truly, you are right! I'm beating them all! The meatheads, the sports junkies, the nerds, the eggheads, the bitches who have their brothers fill out their cards are all bowing down at the alter of the greatest football pickeroo in Hollywood, me!

So, I'm sure you're wondering what the secret to my success is. Well, it's manifold: Warm weather cities are better than cold weather cities. So if a city I love (like Miami!) is playing a city I hate (like, ugh, Detroit), I pick the city I love. The cuter the mascot, the more likely I am to vote for you. The top five cutest mascots are, in order: The Cowboys (I love me a cowboy), The Vikings (that mustache is kitsch!), The Cardinals (he tries to be sooo tough, but he's just a cute little birdie), The Raiders (contrary to what many of my gay brethren think, eyepatches are so in this year) and The Dolphins (the dolphin is wearing a football helmet! Soooo cute!) I don't know much about 'point spreads,' but they sound gross and unfair. If the number is high, I just pick the team people think will lose, because I feel bad for them. When in doubt, look up the players' pictures on Yahoo! Sports and look for who has the best looking players. Now, for the first time ever, here are my picks for Week 8 in Bold. (Note: Scout's honor that I made these picks on Friday. Due to the publishing schedule of my webmaster, they will not be posted until Monday. Also, I don't want anyone else in the office to see who I'm picking and steal them!) 1. Oakland Raiders (+7) @ Baltimore Ravens

That little "+7" means the people making the odds think the Raiders stink. Well, I think they're cute and from a way better city than the Ravens (or, at least across the Bay Bridge from a way better city!).

2. San Diego Chargers @ New Orleans Saints (+3.5)

San Diego is lovely, but I've had some very formative experiences in New Orleans. Plus, "Chargers" makes my think of my Amex card! Not good word association!

3. Kansas City Chiefs (+13.5) @ New York Jets

My heart breaks for the poor Chiefs. People think they're going to lose, by a lot! I promise you I have no particular love for Kansas City, but I heard that the Jets don't really even play in New York! They play in New Jersey! GROSS. Easy call here.

4. Buffalo Bills @ Miami Dolphins (+1.5)

As I said earlier, always pick the warm (and gay-friendly) city with a cute mascot over the cold city (where gays wouldn't be caught dead) with a mascot that reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, William.

5. Cleveland Browns (+7) @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Ladies, have you seen Brady Quinn? OMG OMG OMG. When you have a guy like that on the team, no matter how ugly their uniforms are, you HAVE to vote for them.

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So there you have it, Lloyd's picks for Week 8. You won't be able to use them, but feel free to use my system, it's fool-proof!

Until next week, I wish you my sincerest adieu!

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